Welcome to a Bad Day

I don't know why this happens on certain days and not others. Today started like any other day- in fact better than most days. The weather was sunny and hot. I had a teaching job at one of my favourite schools with a group of kids who were easy to be with. My two oldest kids were happy to be able to sleep in. My youngest daughter was excited to go to school because of the "fun" of the last week. Then what happened? I wish I could explain it, or even better, prevent it, or at least recognize the signs more clearly.

This moment, as I'm writing this, I have an uncontrollable feeling of wanting to cry. Part of this feeling is directly related to the timing of my monthly cycle. However, part of it is also because of the constant churning and chugging of my mind. I was going to post this later tonight- after supper, after cleaning up, after laundry, after my youngest daughter was in bed, after, after, after... Then I realized that the whole reason for creating this blog was to help me through moments exactly like this. I need to write to help fight off this exact kind of demon that seems to have instantaneously possessed me.

The way I feel right now can be compared to a water balloon as it slowly gets filled up with a substance that wasn't meant for the balloon in the first place. It stretches to accommodate this foreign matter, despite the fact that its shape becomes distorted, and its capacity limit is almost at the bursting point. Ultimately, the balloon can take no more, explodes, breaking into small fragments that do not even resemble its original form.

How on earth does this compare to my state of mind? Let me take you on the journey of my day. When I came home from teaching, I was hot and sweaty, and felt a little nauseous from the heat and the smell of sweaty little bodies that seemed to linger on me from a classroom of 20 grade one students. I wanted to lay down, just for a minute. Thus, the stretching of my mind began. When I walked into my house, it was blessedly cool. I heard the sound of my son and one of his friends in the basement. All good things which should have calmed my mind. I should have followed my instincts, and gone straight to my bed. I tried, but that ever-consuming guilt we feel as mothers started to set in. How could I be away at work all day, and not want to spend every minute of my home time with my kids? The stretching begins again. Once it started, it was like a train wreck piling up, totally out of my control. The chores that I had left for my son to do had not even been started. There were phone messages to return, mail to open, bags to unpack, lunches to clean up. Why is it that teenagers have tunnel vision when it comes to picking up anything that belongs to them- freezie packages, pop cans, movie cases, paper towels, phones (never on the receiver!!!), dirty clothes, clean clothes, empty cups, etc. Suddenly, my house seemed filled with garbage, dust bunnies, dirt, wet footprints, and dead bugs. I could feel the grit under my bare feet as I walked across every floor in my house. The water balloon of my mind was growing.

The state of my house and the fatigue from my day are obvious causes of my mind warp. But, as I said, once it starts stretching, it keeps going, thinking that it can accommodate just a few more drops of stress. I added my mail pile to my bills, instantly triggering the financial worry button which in turn, prompts me to go online to check my finances. I have yet to figure out why I think staring at a bunch of numbers on a computer screen is going to make me feel in any way proactive about my finances. Log out of that screen. Have a cool drink instead- no, that doesn't work either as the mommy guilt returns. My mind becomes trapped in parent mode as I begin to think about the summer schedule and the social life of my kids. Really, I can't remember one time when I was a child, seeing my mother upset about our supposed lack of social outings. There will definitely be more about this in a future post as I try to curb that "super mom" peer pressured instinct with a more practical, sanity saving parenting style.

I change out of my hot clothes, feeling bloated and sweaty- nice picture! I wash the grime of the day off my face, see the bags under my eyes, the spots and blemishes of an over 40 face. The study of my appearance makes the balloon bulge into a grotesque, misshapen blob.

Somehow, I manage to reheat leftovers to feed my children, in between wiping the dripping water off the floor as my daughter walks through the whole house in a wet bathing suit. The water seems to have comingled quite nicely with the dust bunnies into a science experiment of mutant fur balls. Stretching even more...my son (yes, the same one who slept in til 11 and did not complete any of his chores) wants money to go to Mac's with his friend. ERUPT! I officially became a person I don't recognize. I went to my room, opened my blog, and started to type. Unbelievably, as I sit here sharing my melt down, the urge to cry and the buzzing in my head have both weakened. I feel like I can begin to piece back the fragments of my balloon. I feel like I can rejoin the life of my family without the foreign matter of stress spoiling my time with them- at least for now.