It is OK to Cry

I am a quick crier. I believe that I have been genetically wired to respond to emotional situations with tears. This happens when I'm happy, sad, angry, frustrated, scared, and definitely when I'm hormonal. It is not something that I'm proud of. In fact, I am embarrassed by how quickly the tears can well up, usually accompanied with a very red nose that also begins to run- not very attractive. As I have gotten older, I have tried to control my weeping responses. When I feel the burn beginning at the back of my eyes and the tingling at the tip of my nose, I know that I am on the verge of a PDE (Public Display of Emotion). Deep breathing helps. Removing myself mentally from the situation has also been a trick that I have used. But sometimes, I just have to let the waterworks flow. With the release of the tears also comes the release of the tension that I feel in trying to hold it all in. What's wrong with showing people that I care, or that I have feelings that are very visible? If I asked my children this question, I know that they would say that it embarrasses the people who I am with. They would be speaking from experience. Others have told me that it makes me appear weak, that I am seeking attention, that I use it as a strategy to evoke sympathy from others, thereby getting what I want in a difficult situation. However, when I reflect on the reasons why, I know that there really is no ulterior motive. It is what I do. It is a response that is as natural to me as someone who shouts when she is angry, or someone who withdraws into herself when sad.

Last night I once again found myself in a very public social setting when one of my emotional moments surfaced. I am a volunteer with the Sunshine Foundation Dreams for Kids which is Canadian organization that provides dreams for children across Canada who are living with severe physical disabilities or life threatening illnesses. It is a charity that is dear to my heart, and one that I believe truly makes a difference in the lives of the children and families that it helps. Throughout the year, our Sunshine Chapter is involved in a variety of fundraising initiatives in order to continue to raise money to make dreams come true. Each year our biggest fundraiser is our Spring Suitcase Party. With generous donations from many sponsors, we are able to provide an evening of dinner and entertainment with a chance to win one of 3 donated trips. I am always amazed by the money and prizes that are so generously donated as we are also able to fill the evening with many opportunities to win other prizes as well. The people who attend the event are also to be commended by how quickly they open their purses and wallets as they are asked to buy door prize tickets, surprise suitcase tickets, 50/50 tickets, and bid on silent auction items. In the many years that I have attended and helped with this evening, I have never heard a negative comment or complaint about the number of times we approach with yet more tickets in hand. Last night, I was in charge of selling tickets for our Surprise Suitcase draw. No sooner had people arrived and paid for their tickets for the evening, and there I was asking them to buy more tickets. There wasn't one person who said no to me, and not one person who appeared annoyed with the request.

Once the crowd was settled at their tables, we wanted to ensure that our sponsors were recognized as the evening would not be possible without them. The lights were dimmed, the power point presentation began with the listing of our sponsors, background music with the theme of 'making dreams come true' was playing, and that is when I felt that familiar sensation- the prickly eyes, the tingling nose. I knew that the tears were soon to appear. When the presentation went on to include pictures of recent dream presentations in our area, I didn't even try to hold back the tears(although I was glad that the room was dark). How could I not react to the photo of the ecstatic boy who had just undergone a kidney transplant- donated by his father- as he held up every imaginable electronic device that a twelve year old boy could hope to claim as his own. This boy's dream was to have a bedroom makeover as he was confined to his home for three months following his surgery. Next, were photos of another twelve year old boy, who has been blind since birth, as he was presented with a dream trip to Disney World in Florida for him and his family. Jason's dream was particularly meaningful to me as I know the family personally, and I know the struggles that they have faced over the years.
As we finished viewing the photos, and then watched the Sunshine Foundation's public awareness video highlighting many dreams across Canada, the room filled with 200 people was silent. How could it not be when you listened to the stories of these brave children and then saw the smiles on their faces when they received their dreams? It makes each one of us grateful and humble.

If my tears make me appear weak, dramatically emotional, or embarras the people around me, then so be it. It is a part of who I am that I am learning to accept and embrace. It is my way to show that I care, that I have feelings, and that I am real.

The Return of the Chocolate

It has been more than 9 months since my last post. I honestly thought that the Chocolate of Women had melted away into a forgotten milk chocolate pool. There are many reasons why The Chocolate lay dormant, but there is only one reason why I have decided to resurrect it- I love to read what the voice inside my head is saying as the words are screaming to get out, to make myself heard.

At this moment in my life, I have a strong need to shout for change.

"Change is challenging. We get accustomed to things as they are, but change can bring new opportunities you would never know if things remained the same. Give it a try and stretch beyond your limits...through change your soul will take flight...you will soar!"

The preceding quote was taken from the Facebook status of "I Believe She Is Amazing". I have written about this incredible movement of women in an earlier post. It exemplifies the power of friendship and the lasting effect that the people in our lives can have. This quote appeared a few days ago, and it spoke to me so strongly that I had to copy it and post it on my status as well. Finally, I was given the motivation I needed to write again.

But, why this quote? Why now? I have always believed that change is a necessary part of life. I am not a person who dreads it, but instead I welcome it with open arms. I feel like a caged animal when the circumstances of my life remain stagnant, especially when they seem out of my control. There isn't one area of my life that is left untouched by this need for change- my career, my writing, my family and friends, my home, my desire to learn and do more. I have made a decision recently that is going to change and affect each one of these life circumstances. I am facing the challenge of the change with excitement tinged with fear and a bit of nostalgia. But, I know that I am ready, and I know that I am capable of coping with the good and the bad that comes with any change.

Someone once presented the analogy of a wind chime to me when referring to change in a person's life. She said that I am like the center chime. The movement of the wind is the change in my life. As the wind becomes stronger, each of the chimes begins to sway in reaction. Sometimes the change is welcome and produces a sweet, melodius harmony. However, it can sometimes be considered an intrusion resulting in harsh discord. I can't control the reaction of the chimes around me, but I can control the music that I choose to have in my life.

There are days that I feel as though everyone is telling me what to do, how to think, how to be better, what to choose, and how I should be living my life. The past few weeks have been filled with these 'helpful' suggestions from people that I expect it from, and from others who surprised me with what they were saying and how they were saying it. I'm told that these suggestions are what make me stronger. I guess I will find out. I will face the change, and I will "stretch beyond my limits", on my own or with you. We'll see.