A Day of Remembering

Since my father passed away in 1990, Father's Day has always been bittersweet for me. The first year was excruciatingly difficult, as Dad died only a couple of weeks before Father's Day. I remember going to his grave site, standing beside the fresh dirt mound, reading his name over and over on the brand new headstone. At that point, it seemed impossible that he was really gone. I desperately wanted to know where he was, what he was thinking, was he lonely, did he miss us as much as we missed him? I do believe in some kind of after life. I have to. I can't believe that the people we love just stop existing. It can't be that final. How can someone who was part of forming who you became as a person, just suddenly disappear and be gone? In my mind, this is not the way that it is. I remember my dad's words, the sound of his voice, his lame jokes, his love for his family, as clearly as though I had just spoken to him last week.

Over the years, Father's Day has become much easier for our family. My mom married a wonderful man- a man who is a father to me and a grandpa to my kids in every sense of the word. My brothers both became fathers. My own children celebrate with their father. Even though I am no longer married to their dad, it is important to me that my children continue to make memories of their own with their father. It breaks my heart to have a family gathering without my children, but it would hurt me more to know that I was in any way hindering the child/father relationship that my kids share with their dad.

In some ways, I think the people that have come and gone in our life, take on an almost "angelic" celebrity status in our minds. Whether this is someone who has passed away, a lost love who broke our heart, a close friend who moved away. Years later, they become the perfect person in our minds- someone who worked hard, was there for us, was fun to be with, was passionate about life and what was important in life. This helps me to cope with the loss. How sad would it be if the people who are no longer part of our lives, could only be remembered with bitterness or sadness or heartbreak. Or if the good memories that we have become overshadowed by the feelings of betrayal. I want to remember only the good, even if it seems as though I am putting my dad up on a pedestal that never really stood that tall when he was alive. What an honour to him, that the goodness he lived and showed in his life, not only continued on long after he is gone, but has grown and touched a whole new generation of his family.

I love you Dad. Happy Father's Day.