The Steps to Where I Am

Relaxing in a hot bath, jets massaging, bubbles growing and caressing every exposed piece of skin. The dim light of the candles flicker, creating a soft light in the darkened room as the shades have been drawn, hiding the last rays of the late afternoon sun. The tall glass of cool wine sits invitingly on the tub's edge. As I slide further down into the welcoming heat of the water, I take in the atmosphere of my surroundings,and let myself feel the happiness spread through me. When I think of the man who created such a perfect moment for me, who is letting me share my life with him, I revel in this feeling of being exactly where I am meant to be.

I wonder at the circumstances of my life that led me to this moment. The interconnectedness of past decisions and choices is overwhelming when reflected on with purpose. If I took the time to trace the path of my life backwards from this instant, there are an infinite number of twists and turns along the way that would have redirected the entire course of my life. Each one of us could lay claim to this idea. Sometimes it is a result of a conscious choice we are making. In my own life this includes my university selection, the career that I followed, the man I married and then chose to leave. However, there are directions that seem to be mapped out for us, when fate or destiny decides to regain some control, not allowing us to be too content with our comfortable plans. The death of my father seemed cruel and devastating to my family. How could a man with so much life left in him, be taken away? The remarriage of my mother has not only given her the chance to love again, but has also allowed our family to grow beyond the familiar boundaries of what had been our life with our father. The birth of my youngest daughter, diagnosed prenatally with a life-altering physical and mental disability was another unforeseen event that was a shock to our family. Now, as I watch Lisa grow, see her kindness and witness her gentle, but determined nature, I am grateful to be on this path with her. I can't wait to see where it leads.

Each of the steps I have taken that have led to where I am right now has come with its own set of emotions and consequences. Sometimes the steps have been painful, but other times the happiness that it has created has been worth the ride. My goal is to make those moments of seeing the cup half full last longer, or at least be remembered more boldly. One of my followers made a comment about the feeling of happiness which struck a chord with me. It showed me another way of going forward, of taking another step with a positive mindset. "...the feeling of 'happiness' is always a fleeting moment. The only time it is longer is when it's your memory of happiness. It is normal that life is up and down in the span of a day. You come to rejoice longer periods of happiness through your memory of it."

I am not going to critically analyze the interconnectedness of my life decisions. I am not going to play the "if only" game with myself. But, I am going to amaze myself with where I take myself next.

When is it ever enough?

I know that this time of year can be a source of conflict- the joyous celebration of Christmas, gatherings with family and friends, good cheer to all! The flip side of the holiday coin is the gritting of the teeth at various events; the perfection of decorating, baking, shopping; the crowds; the pressure of creating that nostalgic holiday in today's high tech world. As I am writing this post, I am feeling the pull from both poles of the Christmas globe. This evening, sitting amongst family and friends at my daughter's Christmas concert, marvelling at the magnificent beauty of the country jewel of Catholic churches that we are blessed to have in our community, I feel a tightening in my chest as the tug of Christmas memories floods my mind. The carols echo; I sing along with the school choir; I disappear into the spirit of the holidays. How quickly that fades as I drive home alone, walk into my cold, dark house, and wish for that feeling back again.

How do I keep that sense of peace? When will all that I do ever feel like it is enough to satisfy myself, and to satisfy the people in my life?

I write...but I want to write more. I want to reach out to more people.
I teach...but I want to reach every single child in my class. I want to make a difference for each one of them.
I parent...but there are days that the baby steps seem enormously gigantic.
I am a friend...but why do I feel like I take more than I give.
I love...but why do I feel like my words and my actions are not enough.

I cannot undo what has happened. I can only learn and grow. I can embrace the people of my life, and be grateful for who they are. I can look around me every day and soak up the small miracles of my life. If you want to join me, my life is open and the ride is waiting. The cost of your ticket? To know that I am doing enough.

The Impetus

"When the chocolate comes, your whole life will change. It's the impetus." (p. 42, Lamb). This quote is taken from a book that I am currently reading called Julia's Chocolates by Cathy Lamb. I admit that the only reason I picked this particular book off the shelf at Chapters was because the word "chocolate" was in the title. The green cover with the picture of the wedding veil hanging from a tree branch also caught my eye. But, as I read the synopsis on the back cover, I was drawn to the story as well. It will be added to my growing collection of chick lit books that portrays a woman who finds herself struggling to survive amidst the chaos of her life. This story has a bit of eccentric humour with the addition of peculiar Aunt Lydia: the obviously strong character of Aunt Lydia draws the strength and courage out of what seemed, at the beginning, like the weakened Julia.

I believe that things happen for a reason. I also believe that we are drawn to things, to moments, to events in our lives at exactly the right time for a reason. Why did I pick a book by an author that I had never heard of? Why did I actually buy the book? Why did that particular quote steal my breath from me when I first read it? Why did I keep reading that quote, and then fold the page down so I would always know where to find it? My blog, these posts, these pieces of my life that I have openly shared with so many of you have all been the chocolate that came into my life at a time when I needed an impetus; I needed to change. It has been almost six months since I wrote my first blog post. There are weeks that I have found it difficult to write and to share. But the words I have received in return from the many followers that take the time to read about one ordinary woman's life have inspired me to keep writing.

So what has happened since the Chocolate of Women has come into my life.
* I got a job in a school that I called my chocolate school long before I came up with the idea for the Chocolate of Women.
* I began the process of re-educating myself in the ever-changing field of education. The passion for my teaching surged back into my life.
* I ran my first 10km race. (emphasis on the word "first")
* I have connected with so many women who motivate me in ways that are unknown to them, but are small celebrations to me.
* I have met a man who inspires me to be more, who challenges me with his sharp mind, but also lets me be me.
* I have confronted some of my personal fears in some of my most tumultuous relationships. (this one is a continual work in progress)

I know that we tend to get caught up in the drama of our own lives, and it is easy to hide out from what the rest of the world is living. My writing, and the sharing of it, has helped me to open up the everyday, ordinary lives of women. It has helped me to realize that we are all very extraordinary in our own way. It has made me more aware of the similarities of our fears, our desires, and our dreams. I now know that I'm not the only mother who is frantically waiting for that text message on a Saturday night from the teenager who can't seem to read the time on that same cell phone that sends thousands of messages a month. I know that I am not the only woman who scrambles madly to pick up dirty laundry, and tidy an untidy house when the door bell rings. I know that many other women fear the state of their hair at the end of a hot, humid day. I know that many women love to share with their friends, and feel the chocolate comfort over that shared cup of coffee.

My life has changed, and it will continue to change. Will chocolate be the impetus? Maybe, along with many of the other "chocolates" of my life.