The Steps to Where I Am

Relaxing in a hot bath, jets massaging, bubbles growing and caressing every exposed piece of skin. The dim light of the candles flicker, creating a soft light in the darkened room as the shades have been drawn, hiding the last rays of the late afternoon sun. The tall glass of cool wine sits invitingly on the tub's edge. As I slide further down into the welcoming heat of the water, I take in the atmosphere of my surroundings,and let myself feel the happiness spread through me. When I think of the man who created such a perfect moment for me, who is letting me share my life with him, I revel in this feeling of being exactly where I am meant to be.

I wonder at the circumstances of my life that led me to this moment. The interconnectedness of past decisions and choices is overwhelming when reflected on with purpose. If I took the time to trace the path of my life backwards from this instant, there are an infinite number of twists and turns along the way that would have redirected the entire course of my life. Each one of us could lay claim to this idea. Sometimes it is a result of a conscious choice we are making. In my own life this includes my university selection, the career that I followed, the man I married and then chose to leave. However, there are directions that seem to be mapped out for us, when fate or destiny decides to regain some control, not allowing us to be too content with our comfortable plans. The death of my father seemed cruel and devastating to my family. How could a man with so much life left in him, be taken away? The remarriage of my mother has not only given her the chance to love again, but has also allowed our family to grow beyond the familiar boundaries of what had been our life with our father. The birth of my youngest daughter, diagnosed prenatally with a life-altering physical and mental disability was another unforeseen event that was a shock to our family. Now, as I watch Lisa grow, see her kindness and witness her gentle, but determined nature, I am grateful to be on this path with her. I can't wait to see where it leads.

Each of the steps I have taken that have led to where I am right now has come with its own set of emotions and consequences. Sometimes the steps have been painful, but other times the happiness that it has created has been worth the ride. My goal is to make those moments of seeing the cup half full last longer, or at least be remembered more boldly. One of my followers made a comment about the feeling of happiness which struck a chord with me. It showed me another way of going forward, of taking another step with a positive mindset. "...the feeling of 'happiness' is always a fleeting moment. The only time it is longer is when it's your memory of happiness. It is normal that life is up and down in the span of a day. You come to rejoice longer periods of happiness through your memory of it."

I am not going to critically analyze the interconnectedness of my life decisions. I am not going to play the "if only" game with myself. But, I am going to amaze myself with where I take myself next.