Digging Out From Under a Bad Week

I haven't had a very good week. The reasons behind some of the drama could have been avoided. Some of the confrontations were unnecessary. At one point, I was so frustrated with the lack of control that I felt over what was happening around me, that I turned off my phones, shut down my computer, and I hibernated. I fed my energy with a day of teaching, a hard run with my iPod shuffle on high volume, and a cup of tea. None of these things made the problems go away. But each of these things prodded my thinking, and made me take a baby step forward into taking back the control.

When I first started this blog, I was feeling the high of a woman's workshop that gave each one of us a sense of empowerment. The Perils of Perfectionism allowed me to believe that I could strive for excellence in all that I set my mind to, without the pressure of living up to unrealistic expectations, and without looking behind me to see what others were thinking, saying, and doing. My blog was going to help me focus, to make sure that I kept a healthy balance in my life. But why is it, that with just a few words, some people seem to have the power to make me stray from this path of excellence. Over the past month I have felt the chipping away of my resolve to lead the life that I want. The signs were beginning to show- difficulty sleeping, mood swings, skin break outs, and a feeling of heaviness that I couldn't seem to shake. With each decision that was made for me, with each battle that seemed to arise, and with each push away from what I wanted, I felt myself shut down.

This past week, however, the shut down affected so much of what was good in my life, that I became angry. Angry enough to finally have the courage to stand up for me again. I will not let the influence of people who I have little respect for, people who have no right to impose their manipulation on me, bring me to this mood of helplessness.

So what am I going to do? I can't just rant and rave on my blog about the unfairness of life. That is not me. That is not why I started writing...and it is not productive. We all face unfairness, and we all have our own issues to cope with. I needed to come up with a plan.

* Each day, I will do one thing just for me. This may be as simple as going to a yoga class, sipping on a tea with no interruptions, or writing on my blog (also uninterrupted). Or it could be as grandiose as planning a vacation or indulging in a spa day.

* My home will be welcome to those who treat me with the respect that I know I deserve. If you come into my home and make me feel uncomfortable, make me feel unsafe, or push your unwanted words at me, then you will be asked to leave.

* I will become the friend, partner, and parent that the people in my life deserve to have, when I feel the same sense of worthiness and value coming from them. It is okay to question. It is okay to disagree. But, it is not okay to ridicule, bully, unnecessarily antagonize, or purposely invite confrontation.

* I will not be silent. My doctor once said to me "People will only walk all over you, if you lay down and let them." If there is something that I disagree with, I will voice my opinion. If I have an idea that I want to share, I will not feel intimidated. I will communicate what is important to me.

* My dreams will be shared only with those who are willing to help me achieve them. It takes courage to share your dreams with someone, and it is a privilege to be allowed to become part of the making of those dreams.

* For the people who are fortunate enough to be part of my life, I will help you, I will encourage you, and I will do this with no questions asked.

* I will read; I will write; I will teach; and I will learn. I will remember that these are the things that motivate me and drive my ambition.

Today is a better day. Although I don't want to feed on the negativity through my writing, it is through writing my blog that I let myself know, and I let other women know, that the struggle for balance is ongoing. There are going to be good weeks and bad weeks, and it is important for me to share the bad. It is what makes me human, and makes my writing more real.