I Am Who I Am

Why do I let the opinions of others guide my life? I have touched on this topic in previous posts. It is a struggle that I have battled for as long as I can remember. At times, the battle is screaming loud and in my face. Other times, it is a soft whisper that I can barely hear, but always enough of an echo that I know it hasn't completely disappeared.

Living in a small town has given me the blessing of having lifelong relationships, family and friends always present and ready to help me up, laugh with, share a life with. But, with that blessing, comes the loss of privacy, the lack of anonymity that I sometimes crave, that I need in order to quiet the ongoing conversation in my head; the worries and fears of what others will think.

The way I look, the way I dress, the way I act, the behaviour of my children, the state of my home, being a single mom, my job, my friends, and on and on and on. Why do I care? Why do I feel judged?

This past week, a person who I have known only since this past summer-a person who has come to mean so much to me in such a short time- reminded me that no matter what I say, what I write, or what I do, people are going to think and say and feel what they want. It is their problems and their issues that ultimately affect how they will react to anything that is happening in my life. It is beyond my control. All I can do is be who I am. With those words, he helped to remind me that I need to live my life with confidence knowing that I am doing everything I can to move forward in a way that not only fulfills me, but also shows the people who I truly care about and love that I will fight for them, I will stand with them.

The first day that I met this man, I remember saying to him that I was tired of trying to prove my worth to people. I was fed up with living up to what other people wanted. I am who I am. What you see and experience with me is what you get. My state of mind on that carefree summer weekend allowed me to let down my guard and not pretend. He saw the best of me, but also the truth of me. Because of that I have allowed him to reach in and discover more about me, to draw more potential, and to open me up to new possibilities.

When I begin to feel vulnerable or weak, I only have to remember his words "Jo, just be who you are. Be confident in what you say and what you do."

Others may sometimes be offended by my words or my actions. If I need to apologize I will. If I need to defend, I will. But, if I am just living my life, being who I am, then I will continue to live, to speak, to write, to love, to be me.