Seadoo Crisis Continued

One of my life goals over the past few years has been to learn to put things into proper perspective. I want to truly learn what is important to me, what drives me, what I am passionate about. There have been long hours of introspection, reading, watching and learning about other people, and it is by no means a process that ever comes to an end. Sometimes my vision changes or I become more aware of something new that makes more sense or is more in balance with what makes me feel at peace.

With all of this self reflection, a certain truth that I chose to push aside and then completely ignore throughout my younger adulthood has now become glaringly obvious to me. I have learned that the accumulation of material goods and the pride of living the lifestyle that goes along with those material goods, does not give me the inner peace or sense of pride in myself that I once attributed to it.

It was a slow process of becoming a “material girl” beginning with the digging out of the hole of university debts, getting that first “real” paycheque, building a nest egg with a partner, achieving financial success as a team. And throughout the process, something happened that was barely noticeable in day to day life. My priorities changed, my optimistic goals as a student were forgotten, my values lacked "real value". Now when faced with those changes- material and personal- by people who throw it back at you and make you re-evaluate your priorities, suddenly you wonder “How did I become this person that I don’t even really like anymore?”

Thus, the importance of my “Seadoo Crisis” was not me merely having a childish fit about a toy. It was a battle in my mind of letting go of the life that I used to lead, and instead, accepting the appreciation of all that I have in my life, and all of the new people and experiences that have been brought into my life as a result. I’m not going to lie… I love my luxuries. I love to be pampered with manicures and pedicures, 5 star hotels, fine dining restaurants, vacations to a hot tropical island. What I like to think has changed, is that I don’t expect these things in my life. If they do happen, I try to look at the experience with fresh eyes, and feel the gratitude of being where I am at the moment. I never want to take that for granted again. I want the experiences of my good fortune to be balanced with appreciation, and a sense of purpose.

So what did I do about the Seadoo? At one point, it was not going to come north with us at all. For the Volvo to pull the trailer for it, I needed to take the car to a Volvo dealer, have some kind of computer program downloaded into its system to allow for the electrical hook up, then a new part added on, plus the cost of labour. No way!!! In a fit of mechanical rage, I called my local Seadoo dealer and told him to find a buyer for me. I wanted it out of my sight, never to think about it again. When reality set in, the old “way of life” me was dreading telling my kids. On top of my personal revelation of changing my old ways, I was feeling extreme guilt for forcing this new way of life on my kids. For three years, I have tried desperately to make the transition from a two parent “normal” family to a split family, as smooth and undisruptive for my kids as possible. However, for me to let go of the warped values of my previous life, my children were going to have to gradually accept a different lifestyle with me than what they have with their father, as well. Not an easy task when I, of all people, know how easy it is to be tempted, and then lured into that lifestyle.

Thus, we have finally arrived at the point where the mother is crying about a seadoo, and as you can see, it is much more than just that. The day of my tearful meltdown, my son was at mountain bike camp, and all day I fretted about how I was going to tell him that we weren’t taking the seadoo on vacation with us (this machine sounds almost like a member of the family!). My oldest daughter had the privilege of witnessing my great Seadoo upset, rolled her eyes, and said she would handle it. What exactly did she think she was going to do that I hadn’t already thought of? She called her dad- yes, my ex-husband. He offered to let us borrow his pick up truck for our trip north. And despite the fact that there has been much bitterness between us, and many problems which I will never share as that truly is only between him and me, the one thing that we will always agree on is the care of our children. So I swallowed a big lump of pride, and accepted his offer.

When I picked my son up at camp later that day and spilled the details of my stressful day trying to plan the perfect vacation for him and his sisters, he looked at me and started to laugh. What he said next will be a memory that I will cherish forever.
“Mom, you really aren’t like other moms though. You aren’t the ideal mom (look of horror crosses my face with this statement). No, I mean you aren’t like a normal mom (look of horror diminishes slightly). I mean, you do things with us that other moms don’t do with their kids. How many kids have moms who would even want to go seadooing with them?” So, in his own way, my son let me know that he really does see what I do, and appreciates having me in his life. What more could I want?