Being Still

"I can enjoy being still". This is one of the many affirmations for being average that we were given at the Perils of Perfectionism conference. I knew that this affirmation was also very high on my personal priority list of "how to stay sane". As I try to stay still to think about the reasons why I can't relax into the moment, I realize that my state of mind is fed by the pressures outside of me that drive me to be actively busy every moment of the day.

For example, today is what I am considering my first actual day of summer holidays. Today there are no kids to get to the bus or out the door to school. There are no schedules to follow. There is absolutely nothing on my calendar- for me or for my kids. I slept in this morning until 9:15 which is the latest I have stayed in bed for a long time...even my internal alarm clock, set for 6:30, seemed to have ignored the snooze button in my brain. But, instead of reveling in the fact that I got a full night's sleep, waking up feeling refreshed, and enjoying the steady pace of my morning, I immediately began to work on my mental "to do" list, at the same time that I started to load the guilt onto myself about staying in bed for so long. The list:

• Laundry (I know it must seem like the laundry is on my mind a lot, but it does seem like an endless job).
• Bills- my kids know to stay away from me when the calculator comes out and my Quicken program pops up on my computer screen.
  
• Cut the grass if it ever stops raining.
  
• Weed flower beds (which is actually therapeutic when I choose to be out there instead of being forced because of the continuous game of catch up that I have been playing with the weeds)
• Make list of teaching responsibilities that I want to accomplish before September- can you tell that I live for my lists!
• Call mechanic about the wiring in my car.
• Call bike repair about my daughter's bike.
• Make list for cottage- ARGGGH another list.
• Email kids' dad about summer schedule.
• Etc, etc, etc...

And when I say "etc." I am not being cliche. When my mind takes over, it literally runs off leaving me to catch up in the distant future. I try to catch myself when I feel this runaway train begin to pull out of the station. With the rumbling of the wheels, and the tugging at my mind I try to put the brakes of perspective on my to do list. Awareness, I have found, is an important first step in trying to slow down my thinking. I am reading, and rereading, a book called Don't Sweat the Small Stuff...and it's all small stuff by Richard Carlson, PH.D. It is composed of a series of very short insights into the workings of our mind and how our lives are dramatically affected by little things. Fortunately, he also gives his readers strategies to try to overcome, or at least reign in, our mindful shortcomings. One of his chapters is entitled Be Aware of the Snowball Effect of Your Thinking. When I was reading this chapter, I felt as though he had secretly tapped into MY mind. Basically he was saying that when our minds begin to think about our endless responsibilities, they become so overactive that we can't slow down and just relax. That train wreck of our thinking just keeps piling up until we are overwhelmed by the supposed mess of our lives. The phrase that he uses is "thought attack". His strategy... The solution is to notice what's happening in your head before your thoughts have a chance to build any momentum. The sooner you catch yourself in the act of building your mental snowball, the easier it is to stop (p.14).

Since reading that chapter a few weeks ago, I have tried to become more aware of how my own "snowball" thinking has a negative impact on my stress level. But, as with any changes that I introduce into my life, it has been very tiny baby steps in slowing my thinking down. What I need to work on in combination with the awareness is the guilt that I feel when I "enjoy being still". This guilt is self-inflicted most of the time. I find that women in particular, tend to justify the need to relax. I'm not sure if this is done intentionally, or if we are hard-wired to think of our responsibilities to others around us before we consider our own mental well-being. And I know it's not only me who has this problem. When I get together with groups of women or even with one or two friends, it's incredible how we go into very specific detail about all of the things that have filled our days and weeks since the last time we were together. With rapt attention, we ooh and aah over the mother who seems to find time to try new recipes, sit on the school committees, involve herself in her child's extra curricular activities, make endless play dates, keep her home looking respectably neat and organized, at the same time that she is moving forward in her successful career. I would love to tap inside the mind of that woman to understand if she is truly happy. So, why do we listen? Why do we give each other the reward of our attention, continuing this vicious cycle of "not being still"? I wish I knew, and I also wish I knew how to get the message out to more women to slow down and to be still. I want to take the pressure off myself, and feel the pleasure of the moment.

So here is my revised list for today, now that I've peacefully enjoyed my coffee, and written my stress onto my blog:

• have another coffee
• weed part of my flower bed with my favourite songs playing on my iPod
• only 2 loads of laundry
• call a friend
• one teaching task today
• go to the library and sign out some Chick Lit

Realistically, I know that more responsibilities will get pushed into my day, but at least my mind will be able to make room for them, instead of feeling the push and squeeze of yet another thing to do.